Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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