so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
