So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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