So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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