I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
