You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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