Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
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I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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