I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize