During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
