I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
