I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
