My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
