last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
