Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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