Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
