If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
