Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
