he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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