Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Randomize
