Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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