We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
barbara walters just said penis...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
