Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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