I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
