I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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