My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
