I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
