I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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