I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
