In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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