I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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