i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
