Moan for me like Helen Keller
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
