My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
