I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
