Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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