Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
