Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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