i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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