We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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