dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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