A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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