I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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