my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
As shirtless as possible
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
