i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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