Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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