I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
