HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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