well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
