I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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