wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
