Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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