a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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